Categorically (Kant can do it)

[Scenario: Britney Spears dances into a school cafeteria wearing too much
lipstick and a pervert's idea of a school uniform.  She is mobbed by boys, whom
she pushes away contemptuously]

I am a girl with a very sad story,
The boys just want my sweet posteriori.
I feel so down that I don't want to live.
I need a guy with an imperative.

Treat me like an end, baby, not as a means.
I'm only sixteen, but it's not what it seems.
I'm burning with passion, I feel I'm in Hell,
So come on and save me, my I-mmanuel.

Kant can do it, Kant can do it
(uh!) He can do it for me.
Kant can do it, he just goes to it
I mean that categorically.

You may be cute, but I really don't see,
A metaphysic of mo-rality.
Don't matter how hard you shake your booty,
I need a guy with a rational duty.

Treat me like an end, baby, not as a means.
I want your critique in my innermost dreams.
If you do all the groundwork, you can ring my bell,
So come on and save me, my I-mmanuel.

Kant can do it, Kant can do it
(uh!) He can do it for me.
Hegel just blew it, but Kant sees through it,
It's all just a priori.